Useful organisations

Erectile dysfunction and intimacy

Erectile dysfunction is more common than you might think affecting at least one in ten men at some point during their life.

We offer advice on staying intimate without intercourse as this is an important part of dealing with your partner's erection problem and ensuring that your relationship does not suffer as a result. You can enjoy being intimate with each other, even without intercourse, through communicating your needs with your partner.

When erectile dysfunction occurs it can be difficult for both partners to deal with and there is no ' magic' impotence cure. It is vital that you both communicate throughout the situation and explore different ways to be sexual and cherish each other.

There are many ways you can keep the love alive in your relationship without intercourse - Lovelifematters can help you both live through your partner's erectile dysfunction.

Staying intimate despite Erectile Dysfunction

'Staying intimate despite ED'

When a man with ED attends my sexual therapy clinic, I always ask him when he last had intercourse. For many of them, years have passed since they have even attempted intercourse.

I then ask him about the last time that he and his partner had a hug, or kissed or cuddled. The majority of men tell me that hugs and kisses stopped at about the same time that their erection problems started. The reason they give is that they feel it would be unfair to offer any kind of intimacy if they are unable to follow it up with fulfilling sexual intercourse.

Avoiding sexual contact

When their partner has tried to be intimate in a non-sexual way, they often respond by moving away, or going to sleep at a later time, or making some excuse about it being better for them to sleep separately. We can all be incredibly clever at finding ways to avoid sexual contact.

Of course it is not always the men who avoid intimacy. Many women say that it is best to avoid any hugs because they don’t want to embarrass their partners by reminding them that they are unable to have sexual intercourse. They may make up excuses or they simply switch off their desire to have sex and make a conscious decision to live without intimacy rather than bring up a discussion about sex.

The importance of touch

Is there such a thing as being intimate without sexual activity taking place? Intimacy is a word that women use more often than men. I think it describes those hugs and cuddles that are so important. Intimacy means being treasured, loved and cherished; it is that feeling we get when a man touches our arm or strokes our face for no other reason than to say that he really cares.

"Men also love to have a hug or a cuddle, but think it isn't manly to ask for such contact"

I think that men also love to have a hug or a cuddle, but think it isn't manly to ask for such contact. When men experience erectile dysfunction (ED), they often believe that it is not possible to be intimate without continuing to have sex. Therefore, if they are unable to gain an erection sufficient for intercourse to take place, they withdraw from intimate touch.

Demonstrating love

I think that it is important to explain to men that, even though intercourse may not be possible, there are many other ways of showing someone that you love and cherish them.

While you wait for blood tests and treatment, you have the opportunity to reassess how you show your partner that you love them. Don’t forget that there are other ways of being sexual and demonstrating your love without needing to have intercourse.

Explore new sensations

Many people need a bit of variety in their lovemaking. Sometimes women are not very clear when expressing themselves around intimacy, so talk to your partner about it. I don’t believe that any of us enjoy living without touch. It is one of the most important and valued ingredients of any relationship.