How to be close after ED

© Julia Cole, Sex therapist and relationship counsellor

After having adjusted to life without sex due to your partner’s erection problem, you may be apprehensive about how to respond if your partner regains his erection and how to recover your intimacy.

If you have been through a difficult time in your love life, as your partner has been diagnosed with erection problems, you may be wondering how to put the spark back into your sex life.

Importance of touch

If you stop touching one another, even in an affectionate way, your chances of making love decline. Unfortunately, this is just what can happen when a man experiences erection problems because you may become afraid of airing the difficulty. Fortunately, there are some simple ways to become close after his ED has been treated, even if you are worried that the excitement you once felt has declined.

Building closeness

The simplest way to feel close to each other is to boost your day-to-day affection level. Increase the frequency of hand-holding, and kissing and hugging when you meet each other; snuggle up on the sofa while you watch a DVD together and always cuddle before you drift off to sleep at night.

This kind of touching is not always intended to lead to sex. Instead, it is about letting your partner know you care for them and want to be close. This kind of intimacy pays benefits because you will feel a deeper bond to one another.  

You will need to keep up this kind of touching for several weeks to see positive results in your relationship. If your problems with sex have been linked to stress or anxiety, affection will help you both to relax, creating a better environment for sex when it does happen.  

Take it slowly

The best way to approach sex is to avoid racing straight into full intercourse. Instead, begin with kissing and cuddling, sensual stroking and caressing; only attempting sexual intercourse after a few sessions of getting close again. If your partner takes medication to help him regain his erection, he will need stimulation to aid the process so you need have no fear that he will demand sex the moment his erection returns. Your shared role will be the same with medication as it was before the erection problems began.

Be gentle with one another and explore the changes that renewed sexual contact brings. If you take your time to do this, you can assess what you enjoy and what you find less arousing. If you experience difficulties integrating your sexual feelings, try talking to a psychosexual therapist about the issues.
(Find one at www.basrt.org.uk).

Revive romance

It’s likely that you also feel romance is lacking if your sense of intimacy has been lost. Now is the time to think about what made you feel good and what invigorated the relationship in the past.

"It’s likely that you also feel romance is lacking if your sense of intimacy has been lost."

If you used to put time aside to go out, enjoy a meal or a visit to the theatre or cinema, then do these again. Or a shared walk in the local park or countryside can give you much needed ‘just us’ time so that you feel close to one another. Leave each other affectionate notes, buy a gift with a loving message or cook a favourite meal.   These kinds of warm gestures will help you both to feel the relationship is still loving and that you are thinking about each other when you are apart. It can also help to look again at photos of you both throughout your relationship so you have a sense of how far you’ve come, boosting your sense of couple esteem.  

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